ANNOTATIONS FROM THE NOTEBOOK

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Today was a so strange day. I had a laziness because of hot summer day. Anyway i had no desire to do anything. I lied down to a little siesta and get away from this world and forget about everything for a short time although i could not sleep. However, despite to not being able to sleep, i did not get up from bed until sunset.

I got up and went to the veranda when darkness came. I had a bad feeling and i just could not snap out of it. I wanted to escape again. Leaving everything and going far away and making a fresh start somewhere noone knows me. Just making my dream true which i dreamed  it during my childhool and my first youth years. Walking away from everything and everybody.

I had been thinking i was just a disappointment to myself and the others and my life was a washout. The sounds in my head was keep saying that same things all the time: You are an unsuccessful and unable. You messed up everything. Nobody loves you and wants you. Even your father abandoned you. You are all alone. All alone…

Therefore i had been wanting to be successful because of these. Doing incredible something… Being so successful and showing it everybody thinks that i was nothing. Nevertheless no matter i did, i could never and ever think that i am fruitful. On the contrary, i thought that i was just a fruitless and disappointment.

That night, somehow i suddenly remembered that day. I recalled that cold winter day when i was out. I was so hurted that bad treatment. When i was walking around the streets hopelessly and desperately, i felt that i had no power to live with my every step and wanted to die and to get away. However life moves so paradoxically, every hopelessness brings a new hope with itself.

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